I think...

...yesterday...I answered my own question while telling a story about my dad.  Dad wasn't a cruel or vengeful man, but I heard him say something that shocked me, to his ex-brother-in-law, after my cousin & his small family's tragic deaths & funerals.

That particular uncle, I believe, had caused much distress & sorrow to his own (Dad's sister's family) throughout the years, but for some reason, Dad had stayed on good terms with him.  I asked Dad, "Why?"  He said he did this in order to "keep tabs" on them & also to "reach out" with friendship & busy distractions, farm work, hunting, social ties.  This uncle also judged our family & berated Dad for not being "tough enough" on all of us, even though he seemed to like us & be civil.  His wife, then his teenage children, left his farm in pain & anger, refusing to speak to him again.

After the funerals, Dad looked squarely at my uncle & commented, "My sons & daughters & their families are here.  You are sitting with us.  My sister & your family & their families are sitting over there & they are still angry."  They stared at each other & then sipped their coffee.

I have always wondered why Dad would say such a thing at such a sorrowful time.  But the other day, while wondering this out loud, it came to me.  Dad had suffered silently through the years, because he loved his sister & her kids & could do nothing much about their lives.  He had also suffered over the many times my uncle berated him about the way he raised us & his supposed lack of harsh discipline.  And he was really suffering on that day when he was at the funerals of a much loved nephew & family.   Maybe he expected that his remarks would make my uncle repair his relationship with his family.

My uncle did try after that to connect & a few years later, he did get to meet some of his oldest son's children.  He asked me to call on his daughter to see if he could visit her.  She flatly refused.  His ex-wife, my aunt, also stayed angry with me & mine, as she had previously my grandma (her mother), because we still offered him tea. 

My aunt reached out to me, her own last year of life; we had some nice phone chats.  She wanted me to spend New Year's overnight with her, but I had a big family.   And also, she said something strange, "You remained loyal; you're the only one I trust."  Now she could have been confused, or sick, or just old, but I'm still pondering & wondering about that.